What I Learned from Downton Abbey

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Six years is a good run. It’s also an investment in fictional lives, a milieu, and the often unnamed things that matter. Botch the story, send the characters off into self-absorbed whining, or worse, bore your audience, and they quit watching. Keep viewers who watch until the end and then look at each other with an expression of, “I-wish-there-were-more,” and you have done well as a writer. Downton Abbey, I believed passed the ultimate test of literature – a presentation close enough to life without actually mirroring it so that it speaks to us. A private world is created and we are allowed to live in it. We learn. We take something with us after the experience. This blog is about that something.

Lesson one: More than money, social position, or even the possession of near absolute power that can raise up the lowly or cause the downfall of the unfortunate – Kindness rules. (Take that, you politicians today who practice various scorched earth policies.) Kindness is the ultimate currency that buys life and influence; it is the power that eventually beats all others. It is in a lady’s concern for the progress of a village hospital. It is in a lord’s concern for the quality of housing built on an estate to help fund the Abbey. It is in a daughter’s willingness to swallow her triumphant pride and call back her sister’s estranged lover because it is best for her sister. It is in the pat of the hand of a dowager who tells the lady who has taken over her position as president of the hospital that she is doing a wonderful job. Kindness marks the lives of servants who worry about each other, save their own from suicide, risk their own positions to testify in court, keep secrets or not depending on what they think is best for the other person. It marks the generosity of an earl’s American wife and later, a newly-married husband who put their entire fortunes at the disposal of the family and the estate.

The greatest kindness is the vein that opens even in the prick of meanness. Because of it, the dog-stealer, the rebel, the scandalous, war’s wounded, and the petty autocrats are redeemed. Kindness heals; it makes the broken whole; it makes the savage human and the unsophisticated better than the aristocrat. When in doubt – be kind – always. At this point I am led to a greater passage – Portia’s speech on mercy from The Merchant of Venice, which many of us had to memorize (with good reading). “The quality of mercy is not strained. It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven on the place beneath. It is twice blessed. It blesseth him that gives and him that takes….” Part of the lesson from Downton Abbey is that when the people are not kind, things do not go well, not for their rivals or themselves. The story of the under-butler Barrows is the best illustration. He almost died because of his own meanness and was saved only by the last-moment concern of a lady’s maid.

Lesson two: Nothing lasts. One would think that a house, an estate, a title chiseled into a culture and layers of traditions over many generations would ensure the continuance of those things, but it is not so. One of the interesting things is that Americans, we title-less, disorganized, anything-goes Colonials could be so fascinated by a class system we do not want, barely understand, and would certainly resent if it were imposed in the States. After all, we’ve developed our own class system based on money, which anyone can join if he or she has enough, no matter how that wealth was amassed. The Kennedys, the Rockefellers, the Gettys, and even the Walton family come to mind. What many did to get their fortunes may or may not have been legal; much certainly was unethical, but they did not get caught, or if caught, they found an oily way out. Fortunes are lost, not always by blunders, theft, or revolution. A fortune is lost because it is almost inevitable. It may take several generations, but it may also happen because a comma, a minuscule serif, is inserted in a piece of otherwise well-meaning legislation. Big Oil is a recent example, but there are others. Do you still own Sears stock? Enron? Bell Telephone? American Motors? Zenith Electronics? Even those that still exist are poor step-children today, sometimes the scullery maids who must get up first to clean out ashes and stoke the fires for others. Some ruined their own prospects; some fell to changing economic conditions, and some were simply swallowed up by predators.

FIRST LOOK DOWNTON ABBEY SEREIS 4. Lady Mary played by Michelle Dockery with Baby George and Tom Branson played by Allen Leech with baby Sybbie COPYRIGHT: CARNIVAL/ITV

Even love may not last. It is interrupted by death, trouble, self-centeredness, pride, and faithless behavior. Love is a choice, and it must be re-chosen every day. We must tell our spouses. I choose you. I choose you. I choose you. Someone else may temporarily seem to be a better deal, but I choose you for the long term. Counselors tell us marriage is killed by disdain and the repeated eye roll. That means it is important we tell each other as often as possible: I choose you again. Designing maids may seduce lords. Ladies may be overly-appreciated by art historians. A visiting Turkish diplomat may die in a lady’s room. A chauffeur may marry a titled lady. We choose, and when we choose for the long term, things almost last. At least they last for long enough. At least they may last for a lifetime. What more could we ask?

 

Lesson three: No matter what our position, power, or personal integrity – we all just muddle though. In one of the most prescient titles of all time, Achebe’s novel Things Fall Apart reminds us all that Plan A is never enough. As Bobby Burns put it, “The best-laid schemes of mice an’ men gang aft a-gley.” In Downton Abbey we see the repeated near-bankruptcy of a privileged estate, a witness to other estates that failed, decayed, and became the mere ornament for the ultra-materialistic nouveaux-riches. Even the terms used to describe them are hyphenated.

 

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In Downton Abbey, ovens break down the night of an extended family banquet; an old letter tossed into a fire nearly burns down the house; the joyful birth of a son is overshadowed by the death of the husband in a car crash, the same kind of accident that eventually sends Mary another husband. A child is born before Edith’s true love can marry her. An outsider, even worse, an Irish activist and mere chauffeur becomes the common-sense savior of the family estate. A bright, but naive daughter inherits a publishing company. A mere footman becomes an admired teacher who knows more than many graduates of Cambridge. All of this muddling, like struggles in any life, may seem impossible, but the older one gets, the more one has seen the impossible. A poor, black boy with an absent father becomes president. The presumptuously-named God-particle is found. A tiny wave in the time-space continuum is detected. Cancer cells may be “tagged” so one’s own immune system sees them as invaders and attack. Curiouser and curiouser. No one stays clean all the time. We rust. We sag. Our eyesight fades. Our memory gets more selective. It’s true of me, of you, of the famous, of the powerful, of the simple, of professors, of mothers who would give almost anything for a full night’s sleep, of fathers who don’t know where the next job will be, or the father who would give almost anything for a full night’s sleep, or the mother who doesn’t know where the next job will be. It’s all the same. We muddle through. We Muggle through. Magic may happen, but we have no wands.

The muddling makes us grow, and if it does not kill us, it makes us stronger. That is how LadyMary learns to run an estate; Lady Edith learns to edit a magazine; Molesley learns how to be a teacher, and Robert learns how to let go, possibly the most difficult lesson of all

Lesson four: No one succeeds alone. It was fascinating to watch the Abbey work on a daily basis like a finely-calibrated watch. Not always, but usually. The clearly defined roles and coordination were amazing. Even more powerful was the handling of a crisis. A dead body was moved. Farms were run; sick pigs nursed; fires put out; deaths mourned; banquets prepared. It was done by people thrown together by circumstance, by choice, and sometimes by necessity. Even when some said, “No,” others stepped forward to offer support. If you want to help, but there is really nothing you can do, give empathy. Empathy heals as well or better than kindness and often better than misguided intention. The fast friendship of Lady Violet and Matthew’s mother Isobel Crawley was not cemented by kindred spirit or even similar interests. It was firmed and confirmed by empathy. Sometimes they merely sat with each other, listened, and “felt.”

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Lesson 5: Wit is always fun. My favorite character had to be Violet. At least she had the best lines, including several classics. “Weekend? What is a weekend?” About her friend Isobel in a tussle over the hospital. “Fight? Of course she’s allowed to fight. She’s just not allowed to win.” Even in her backhanded slaps, the harm is not so great from one somewhat physically feeble, someone still mentally sharp, and someone wearing a velvet glove. Comic relief is always important. I tried very hard to put it in my book, Hibernal, in the scenes with Porkchop andTrailer. It seems that some readers remember only that about the book. If they laughed out loud, as many readers reported, I am satisfied.

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All good things must end. Years ago I wrote a blog making fun of Downton Abbey, its excess, its confusing multiplicity of characters and emotional highs and lows. Somewhere along the line, I was won over, quite possibly because the reasonableness of its excesses, its interesting multiplicity of characters, and its emotional highs and lows. My disbelief certainly was suspended. If you win over a skeptic like me, you’ve done something, Julian Fellowes.

 

Technology and Me, a Horror Saga

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Man, I love technology, especially the sleek way it looks and the cool things you can do with it. I love everything from smartphones to guitar tuners that work by neck vibrations, from my GPS that marks trout streams in the middle of nowhere, to the DVR that tapes The Daily Show and Downton Abbey, from a flatscreen HDTV that shows the seam spin on an Adam Wainwright curveball, to the Ipad I’m using in The Froth House to write this.

However, when things go bad, it’s not like changing the flapper on our toilet upstairs that trickled water all night. It’s not like gurgle, gurgle, detach the corroded rubber gasket inside the toilet tank, run to the hardware store, find one that looks the same except for the corrosion, run home, pop it on the fill valve, flush the toilet, yep, it works. Two points.

Technology is not like that.

Here’s my latest saga. When we moved into our house in Madison over three years ago, our first service hookup was a bundle for internet, cable TV, and phone. I thought we had everything, a re-wired house, wi-fi, high speed internet for streaming videos, and even the company’s virus protection. Then the internet went out. The cable guy, whom I’m sure I had seen before on Star Trek, came to our house, scuttled around our basement, and said, “Your splitters are in the wrong order. Internet is more demanding than your TV. I fixed it.”  The next week, our cable TV went out.  The cable guy who came this time, a guy I’m sure I saw on the ads for Duck Dynasty, scuttled around our basement and said, “Your splitters are in the wrong order. Cable TV is more demanding that your phone. I fixed it.”  The next week, our phone went out. This time I complained loudly to four people and two computers that answered the help number, and the cable guy who came out was Darth Vader himself, a guy all in black, including his eyebrows and deep eyes. He had the look of a man who had just emerged from two weeks of hacking China’s Central Committee computers from somewhere underground.

“The last guys who crawled around our basement-” I said, but he interrupted – “I don’t need to crawl around your basement. Your return signal is so weak that it is telling our system that everything is turned off.”

“But our signal splitters-” I said, and he merely raised a hand at me. “I hate splitters. I’m installing three separate power supplies to your lines, so your phone, TV, and internet lines will have the same power we use for a business of 100 offices. I’m plugging in the transformers where the line comes into the house. Don’t unplug them. Don’t put your ear next to them, even though they emit a pleasant hum. Do you wear a pacemaker?”

“Not yet,” I said.   “Good,” he said and then disappeared into a foul-smelling mist.

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That was three years ago, and everything worked until….

You can stop reading here if you think it’s normal for a cable bill to double and double again to the price of a car payment every month, which wouldn’t be so bad if I had high-powered cable and the car I was paying for, but in this case, there was no car, only the car payment every month.

So I tried to log on to the “contact us” screen using my high-powered, Chernobyl cable system, but it wouldn’t let me access my account because either my username, my password, or my security question based on my favorite sports team was wrong – and it wouldn’t tell me which. I tried every possible combination, with caps, without caps, using the names of teams I liked and some I only sort of liked. I even looked at my hidden file of three pages of passwords and usernames, beginning with AARP and ending with University of Wisconsin. No luck.

I picked up the phone on my separately powered transformer and called the company, using the number on my car payment bill without the actual car, just the bill. The first machine that answered was a pleasant-sounding voice that told me to simply state my concern, such as “I want to install new services,” or “I need to upgrade my TV package.”

“Shit,” I said, and the line immediately went dead. Apparently, the computer was not amused and was also programmed to shut down after expletives.

I waited a few minutes to calm down and called again.  A different computer voice answered, but it said the same thing. I said, “My bill is more than the cost of the pacemaker I can’t wear because of the power transformers in my basement.”

Either the computer did not understand metaphoric comparisons or it was not programmed for bill questions.  I heard three clicks and the whir of something like The Wheel of Fortune. A real woman’s voice came next, who said, “Hi, my name is Shelly.  How can I help you, Mr. Haberl.”

“You know my name?”

“It’s attached to your phone number and account. Would you verify your address and favorite sports team, please?”

“Don’t you already have that information?”

“Yes, but I need to make sure YOU do. What if you’re a hacker for the Central Committee in China or some African sweepstakes winner?  We wouldn’t want that, would we?”

“But I’m calling you from my home phone which popped up on your screen. Why would a Chinese hacker or an African sweepstakes winner break into my house just to use my phone and call the cable company?”

She apparently looked down her list of proper responses, couldn’t find anything, and then went with the most general script.

“Um, um, Mr. uh, Haberl, I’m excited about being able to help you today.”

After I convinced her I was not a hacker, she listened to me explain that I could not log on to my account, no matter what sports teams I named, and my monthly bill was approaching the level of a drone-fired hellfire missile, which I was thinking of using on their cable system as soon as I could find one.

Shelly gave a nervous laugh, which I took as a good sign.

“Okay,” she said, “You’d like to lower your bill and you can’t log on, is that correct?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, well, I only arrange for new services and upgrades, and you don’t want either of those, so I’m going to transfer you to a specialist who does service removals. Please hold.”

They have a specialist for service removals?

A moment later, a voice said, “Good morning, Mr. Haberl, my name is Becky, and I’m excited to help you today.”  It was the voice of a sixteen-year-old cheerleader who just got a prom date, no it was worse than that – it was the voice of a cheerleader whose team was already losing 64 to nothing and she believed everything depended on her cheeriness. I sighed.

“Okay, Becky, my total bill is way too high and I need to know what is the lowest cable package available.  I’m also thinking about discontinuing our phone service since we mostly use our smartphones, and I want the slowest internet money can buy.”

“I’m so excited to help you. Here’s what I can do – let’s see – I can reduce your phone cost by over half because of our new You-Deserve-It-All package, and we’ll pay the tax, so your phone service will be $19.95, and you were already on the slowest, cheapest internet service, but we’ve installed new routers in our Faster-Than-the-Speed-of-Light package, so I can double your speed for the same price you were paying and your modem is still the fastest one we have in homes, so let me push that button, and – there – done – and I see that the cable package you have is based mostly on sports. I can give you a lower package but your wife might not be happy.”

“Why not?”

“She won’t be able to watch Oprah or one of her soap operas.”

“She doesn’t watch Oprah any more, and her soap opera went off the air two years ago.”

“Okay, so let me push this button, and – there – you now have our “Husband-Gets-Sports-and-Wife-Gets-Romantic-Comedies package, and, let’s see, I’ve reduced your bill by over $60.00 per month. Does that help?”

“Yes, but-”

“And you need to re-do your login. That’s a different specialist, so hold please.”

I was still in shock. All she did was push two buttons, which could have been done any time in the last three years, and my monthly bill would have gone from a car payment to a new bicycle every month.

“Good morning, Mr. Haberl, my name is (because of his talking speed and accent, which could have been Indian, Swahili, or Polish, I think his name was either Antwan or Yeshblinka, and I couldn’t tell which), and I am so excited to help you today.”

“Um,” I said.

“I see that you tried to log on to your account eleven times this morning, and you were locked out four times because of too many failed attempts.  What was the problem?”

“Um, either my username, my password, or my favorite sports team security question was wrong, and I couldn’t tell which.”

“You know there is a help screen to download answers to the most frequently asked questions.  There’s a blue button in the top right corner.”

“But don’t I have to be logged on to my account to get to the help screen?”

“Of course, how silly, I’m so excited to help you today. Let’s see, do you still like the Cardinals?”

“Yes.”

“And is your username ‘Flyfish?'”

“Yes.  So what was my password?”

“That is blocked out on my screen.  You wouldn’t want me or hackers from China to-”

“But-”

“I am happy to announce to you today that all is not lost. I cannot quote your password to you today, but I can help you reset your password to a new one, and you can get in that way.”

“Isn’t that what hackers do?”

“Yes, some do that, but I assure you, I am not a hacker and I am not in China or Africa.”

“But wouldn’t I be hacking into my own account?”

“Not exactly.  What you will be doing is authorized hacking. You authorize yourself with your new password to go into your account.  It’s like a side door. It works every time. So, what would you like your new password to be?”

I gave him a new password and on the fourth try we agreed on one was long enough, had at least one capital letter, a number, and a symbol.

He told me to write it down very carefully and read it back to him.  After that, he said, “And do you want any upgrade or new services today?”

“No,” I said, “I’m trying to reduce my bill and -”

“Oh, I am so sorry. I am not a reduction in services specialist. I must transfer you.”

“No, please,” I said, but I was too late.

A fourteen-year-old cheerleader whose team had just lost 75 to nothing came on and said, “Hello, Mr. Haberl, I am so excited to help you today. You say you want to reduce your bill, is that correct?”

“Yes,” I said.

“Well, I see that you have our old Husband-Gets-Sports-and-Wife-Gets-Romantic-Comedies package. I can give you a new lineup in which you get all the sports you have been watching but I will cut out competitive bungee jumping, the World Series of Gardening, and the Moving Sponge Obstacle Course.”

“But I kind of like obstacle courses. I mean, this phone call alone-”

“But you haven’t watched it for three years.”

“Yes, you’re right.  What about my wife?”

“Our new package will reduce your bill by eleven dollars and twenty-three cents, and your wife will get the Oprah network and some new soap operas. Is that agreeable?”

“Um,”

“Okay, I just push this button here – and – you’re all set.”

“What’s this new package called?”

“Um,” he paused and I heard some papers shuffling. “Um, it’s so new, it’s, uh, it’s, called the ‘You-Deserve-It-All’ package. I am so excited to help you today. Please hold for a short survey and entry ticket into our sweepstakes.”

“No, please-” I said, but I was too late.  Sometimes I really don’t like talking to people.  Just give me a machine and three choices. That’s what I got.

It was another overly cheerful voice that asked me to hold for a brief survey to improve their service, but this one had a slightly metallic ring to it, like the woman who recorded it was in a spaceship, which would explain where my cable company got its technical support guys who made house calls. It went through the usual loaded questions, such as “Was the technical support person cheerful? Say ‘one’ for very cheerful, ‘two’ for moderately cheerful, or ‘three’ for not very cheerful.”

“Which support person?” I answered, and the alien in her UFO said, “That is not a valid answer. Please say ‘one’ for…” and so on.  After fifteen minutes of trying to get through six easy questions, I’d had enough, said good-bye, and ended the call. I wouldn’t have won the sweepstakes anyway. The survey was probably taken by 10,000 people that day alone. Man, I hate technology. I want to put it all in a box, take it out to a field, and beat all the components with a baseball bat. I have a good memory of some guys doing that.

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I know robots will eventually solve our problems. We won’t fight wars anymore; we’ll just send our robots against the enemy’s robots in some forsaken place like Afghanistan, and then watch the whole thing from drones. The winner will get all of the loser’s assets, which will merely be numbers in some IMF account. It’s not like we’re going to advance enough to end war; we’ll just change how we fight it.

When we realize that football has become too dangerous because of players who are too big, too fast, and too well-trained to follow piddling rules like “It’s a fifteen-yard penalty to hit a defenseless receiver in the chest or back with your helmet,” we will have robot football, and actual heads will fly off, or at least pop up like those toy red and blue boxers used to do after a direct shot to the chin.  I think those football players will look like the droid on the Fox Sports leads, you know, the one with the logo on a shield that appears out of the robot’s shoulder. That will be football, our latest substitute for war. Timeouts will exist only to retrieve shrapnel, run a Zamboni over the gridiron to scoop up arms, replace batteries, and allow viewers to get more popcorn, pizza, or whatever new combination of salt, sugar, and fat the latest corporations hawk to us.

Please excuse me while I look for my baseball bat.

In Praise of Old Things

I’m not old yet. There is something to be said for old things, though. I’m not just talking about twelve-year aged single malt scotch, although that smoky, thick taste has its appeal to some. Twinkies aside, not everything old is good: not ice cream that has acquired its own layer of permafrost, not sidewalks whose cracks, puddles and tectonic shifts are mere trips for anyone on wheels or twelve-year old scotch, not even old televisions with predictable channels and a familiar clicker with a volume button that sticks and the numeral 7 that doesn’t work at all. Old laptops, not good. Old cellphones with a battery life of half a phone call, not good. Old glasses, not good. Old textbooks, old maps, and old towels – not worth saving unless they begin a second life as a prop, background for a paper collage or a rag for washing cars.

There is something to be said for old things, though, almost anything that is cared for, sharpened, painted, oiled, or cleaned. Quite a list could be compiled: guitars, violins and pianos; jeans and boots, watches and jewelry, classic novels, and an occasional lawnmower. I am currently the proud owner of a 1940 Sears push mower inherited from Ann’s grandfather. It is easy to push, quiet, safer than my old runaway Toro, and perfect for the small yard we now have. It works, and as long as I keep it oiled and sharpened it hasn’t worn out its useful life. I especially appreciate the fact that it never kicks gravel and nut husks out a side vent at a hundred miles an hour toward one’s car. It will measure up any day to the previous four power mowers I’ve owned and used until they self-destructed in their teens.

A few old things deserve special attention, I believe.

My car, which I have dutifully serviced according to the schedule, now has 120,000 miles on it and runs like it was new. I need to fix a scratch in one door where a stump slid into me when I was out in the woods of the Upper Peninsula, but other than that, its four-wheel drive, four cylinder engine, sweet air conditioning, and purr when idling tell me there is no reason to replace it. Besides, it holds a lot of camping gear, fishing rods, and even a canoe on its rack with perfect ease. When I’m out on the streams, I distrust a fisherman who comes by in the latest Land Rover or Crossover. Until they’re broken in or earn some respect with a few dings, those cars are not suitable as fish-mobiles.

Our old house, a solid brick fortress build in 1925, has earned my respect. It was generally well cared for by its previous two owners who did a few curious things to it but kept as much original as possible. The hardwood floors are still smooth, well-grained, and mostly unscratched. After a cleaning, the fireplace works. The three-season porch is wonderful in the summer. The towering ash out front and the nearly as old pin oak out back are exactly the right height. (Please permit me a small joke.) Somehow our house came with the most wonderful neighbors who are already old friends, and we’ve only been in Madison two years. By comparison, our other houses, much newer and more modern, had basic flaws: cold downstairs, hot upstairs, a noisy furnace just below a master bedroom, air conditioning that could never be regulated well, and worst of all, they were in a neighboorhood where riding a bike was a death race; highway and air traffic from O’Hare fifteen miles away sounded like flame throwers had suddenly gone on sale. We could walk to Mosquito Park at the end of the block, and that was it. There were bike paths in Schaumburg, but you had to mount your bike on the back of your car and drive to them. Once you were on the forest preserve path you regularly received dirty looks when your passing interrupted drug deals. Our new old house is so much better. Yes, we replaced the wiring and kitchen and bathroom, and put in some air conditioning, but we had to do that in our newer old houses as well. An old house is like a favorite uncle. It has character and a happy story.

Old friends. Yes, they deserve special attention as well. There is something to be said for a group of people surviving twelve years with the same Catholic nuns as teachers, some of whom were the most inspirational masters possible, and others should have been tinsmiths or road graders. The latter were very good at cutting things up and bulldozing anything not perfectly flat. The former brought out what was good in us. That good survives. One of the interesting things about Facebook is that its re-connections remind us of who we are, and that hasn’t changed much. The brilliant ones are still brilliant. The kind ones are still kind. The smart alecks have softened a little but still follow the trajectory of kindergarten.

The actual number of years required for someone to become an old friend is variable, probably the same way time is flexible. Some friends you’ve known all your life, even though you just met them two years ago. When you reconnect with an old friend you haven’t seen in years, the time in between doesn’t matter, sometimes as if it never passed at all. Anyone who has gone through a divorce knows that relationships never end, not even when we want them to.

Old things remind us that we belong somewhere. The light switch you can find in the dark, the third fret on your guitar, middle C on your piano, the junk drawer in the kitchen where you know there will be the screwdriver or a rubber band you need – these are important old things. They also tell us something important about ourselves. In themselves, they mean nothing. A screwdriver is a screwdriver; a coffee mug is a coffee mug, but the tool or the coffee mug handed down from your father means something. We put that meaning into it. The mug is about us, I and my father, not about the coffee or the color or heft. As Shakespeare (or perhaps the Earl of Oxford, Edward de Vere?) wrote, it is thinking that makes a thing so. That is true of us, as well. We are what we think we are or, sadly for the weak among us, what we allow others to tell us we are.

I look forward to the day when I become an old thing in spite of the aches, health issues, and inevitable feeling that I have been left behind. I look forward to it because for someone else I will be the light switch she can reach in the dark, the coffee mug with just the right sized handle, the engine with 120,000 miles that still purrs, and the book of stories that are funny, interesting, sometimes sad and always readable. That book will be underlined throughout and annotated in the margins. It will have a happy ending.

Before that happens, I plan to visit the old things to remind them I’m still here: the pond at Konarcik Park outside Waterloo, the spring run at Montauk State Park with its gravel and watercress, Wrigley Field, Busch Stadium, Hubbard Street Diner with its chocolate-topped cheesecake, Disneyworld with grandchildren, Agate Falls in the Upper Peninsula. The list is too long and too personal. I think it should include trespassing at Camp Vandevanter west of Waterloo where we planted a whole hillside with pine seedlings when we were Boy Scouts. I’d like to see those trees, now that they are 50.

Even more fun will be to see the old things I haven’t met yet: Bleak House by Charles Dickens, some Agatha Christie I’ve missed, another season of Downton Abbey (yes the end of the last season was tragic, but no one loves only once), next year’s snows, another season of football at Camp Randall stadium with its raucous student section who always sing “Sweet Caroline” loud and a capella after the music stops and jump around after the third quarter. I can’t wait for the next Mumford and Sons album, their banjo, acoustic guitar, and base drum stomp reminding me that old-style music is still kicking. This is how it is, or as Ann says, whenever anyone asks her how’s she’s doing, “Good, mostly.” Old is good – mostly.

It Is All Good

Today’s inspiration started with music. One of the first inspirations for me, something fifty years ago, was the Beatles’ I Want to Hold Your Hand. I remember taping and playing that song over and over again, not so much to listen to it, but to feel it. Eventually, I overplayed it, and the feeling passed. It was followed by the Rolling Stones’ Honky Tonk Woman, The Animals’ House of the Rising Sun, and dozens of others, Springsteen’s Born to Be Wild, Knopfler’s Sultans of Swing, and much later on, Keith Urban’s You’ll Think of Me. More recently, I’ve greatly overplayed the Decembrists’ Down by the River, Adele’s Someone Like You, especially the YouTube version by Charlie Puth and Emily Luther, and this month, Mumford and Sons’ I Will Wait. I’ll admit that some of this repetition is due to the corporate radio’s tendency to promote anything that looks like a winner, but I think something else is going on. I’m feeding an innermost part of my brain, the same way a drug addict does, the same way a runner pushes past the wall to get that stream of endorphins, and the same way lovers love. The songs help me to feel something I like, even if sometimes that feeling is vicarious pain. Each song stimulated a different feeling, but they were all good in their way.

I believe three physical laws are operative here. The first is our need to feel something, sometimes anything. The second is the vicarious law of literature, video, and music. We are attracted to the sharing of other’s stories, their triumphs, and even their pain, as long as we don’t have to feel the real pain ourselves. I want to watch Abraham Lincoln and feel some of his ups and downs; I do not want to be him. The third law is that of diminishing returns. It is a wonderful blessing both to our families and ourselves that the repetitive playing of Mumford and Sons eventually bores us and we must wait for another such masterpiece or not play the song for a year.

Ann and I are currently taking a wonderful course based on Rosenberg’s book Nonviolent Communication, which I’ve recommended before. Mary Kay Reinemann, our inspiring teacher, tells us regularly to watch for feelings. They are messengers. Anger is a messenger shouting a need. Every feeling is a please (help me) or a thank you. Hatred is please help me; I am overcome by fear. It is shouted out through a Marshall double stack amplifier with the volume on max. It is written in giant, red, bloody letters. Kindness is a thank you. Communication is more complicated than that, but you get the idea. You can also see why we’re taking this course for the second time, just so we can practice with others. The point is that feeling, even unpleasant feeling, is life, and numbness is death. To feel nothing is to be nothing. It is true that we also think, but even thinking can be dominated by feelings, and I never listened to I Want to Hold Your Hand because it gave me a thoughtful, philosophical position in life.

The second law, the law of vicarious living, is also a gift in disguise. We all must work for a living, and that work takes up so much time and energy that we do not usually have the space to be Humphrey Bogart, Harry Potter, or Lady Mary Crawley finally married to her Matthew. We can choose to live such lives, to feel what they feel, and not actually have to say goodbye to Ilsa, be orphaned by another wizard, or feel the anguish of ruin, scandal, or loss. We may live many lives in one. Their reality, even if we don’t participate as deeply as Walter Mitty in his secret life where he pilots a submarine or saves a life with a pen is real enough. We feel a measure of what they feel. We become them to a degree, and that degree is just enough. That degree can be geometrically multiplied. We may be Lady Mary and Matthew, and Lord Grantham, and any number of maids, footmen, and butlers. We may even be scoundrels if we choose. To feel them is to live them, and it is a blessing.

The third law, that of diminishing returns, is also a blessing. When we choose to love and marry, we feel intensely and wonderfully, but also, we cannot feel that same intensity forever. This is providential because one’s spouse is bound to change, as are we all. A marriage based only on what a partner was like at 22 is a marriage in trouble. I believe the best marriage is one that assumes a trajectory. My wife is not the woman she was at 24; she is better, wiser, more alive, and I had a pretty good idea that was going to happen. The law of diminishing returns also forces us to grow, to change. Stasis is death. The law of diminishing returns forces the creation of a fifth symphony after we have tired of the other four. It forces the creation of What About Bill after we have tired of Groundhog Day, and a third season of Downton Abbey after the late night kiss in the snow that ended the last season.

The law that rules this world, including our own brains, is providential, blessed, and necessary because it nudges us to live. It is all good.